Aspirational Masculinity
By Don McPherson
At the heart of every great sports story is an unrelenting strive for excellence. Winning is only one outcome in the process; the manifestation of countless and invaluable lessons learned and applied along the way. This is why athletes and sports inspire us and are called upon by every sector of our society, from corporate board rooms to social justice movements; to instill a determination imbued with the hopeful exuberance of youthful dreams, unleashing the part of the human spirit that boldly aspires towards excellence.
For nearly a half century I have lived in that spirit. As a young boy, I was inspired by great athletes – not just from afar as a fan but also by a deep understanding of what was required to reach that greatness; the life encompassing attention to detail, indispensable hard work and most importantly, the humble positivity that filled me with the belief that I am not only capable of excellence but am worthy of it.
When I retired from professional football, I found myself using the platform of sports in the most unlikely of places; at the heart of the work to end all forms of men’s violence against women. Using the platform and appeal of sports in gender violence prevention at times seemed paradoxical but was consistent with the indomitable spirit of sport. What was not initially evident was which transferrable skills would apply and how.
I was joining two conversations of which I had no previous knowledge simultaneously; the disturbing ubiquity of men’s violence against women and the deafening silence of men about it. In a perverse way, the systemic impact of patriarchy and sexism on women and the subsequent violence enacted upon their lives was easier to “see” and understand than the intellectual deconstruction of masculinity that had positively and invisibly served me throughout my life – that is, in fact, the core of my privilege as a man. I later came to understand that what my mentor and colleague Jackson Katz helped me to see is that I had to recognize a privilege I didn’t know I had to address a problem I didn’t know was mine. This was not exactly how I thought I’d be leveraging my lifetime in sports.
The dilemma of masculinity
As I became entrenched in the work, I quickly found myself at the intersection of lionized masculinity and vilified patriarchy. I was a former professional athlete pulling the curtain back, exposing the myths and performance of masculinity that not only harmed women’s lives but kept boys and men in service to one of the most harmful aspects of male identity – silence. The obstinance of patriarchy that understands and promotes masculinity as inflexible and non-negotiable protects and advances a form of masculinity that is crippling men because in silence there is no growth. There is no work toward greatness and no aspiration or feelings of worthiness.
I’ve witnessed this lack of progress and growth for nearly three decades in conversations with men about all forms of men’s violence against women. As the topic grew through high profile cases in prominent sectors of society (sports, entertainment, politics, and higher education) I began to see there was little we were giving men to replace the comfort of their silence. I also realized that while being ever vigilant to honor, respect and serve survivors I was more accountable to women who were not in the room, than to the men who were during discussions of “prevention.” Even in the face of privileged silence or adamant arguments in defense of violent masculinity as a noble, necessary, and chivalrous responsibility, not much was being offered to men other than the indictment of their silence and the conclusion that their identity needs to be redefined or dismantled entirely.
To be clear, the need to engage men did not come from a place of wanting more for men, rather, it came from the need for less violence and oppression from men. Moreover, men’s silence has done little to provide a more positive alternative narrative. This failure on the part of men to engage fully and honestly, with accountability for the silence and subsequent behaviors that are allowed to exist in the void, has resulted in a society uneasy but comfortable with the term “toxic masculinity” which conflates the toxicity of men’s behavior that harms women, with being male.
The toxicity of “toxic masculinity”
Before “toxic” was used to describe relationships or men it was most commonly used to describe hazardous waste so harmful to the environment and public health that it must be disposed of differently and separately from garbage. That approach is in response to the many ways toxic waste seeped so deep into our ecosystems that the sludge crept into our homes and threatened the beauty and safety of the world we inhabit.
The current generation of adolescent boys have, in large part, regularly heard the word masculinity associated with the prefix “toxic.” Perhaps, this should have been anticipated since the only reason we have been examining masculinity with any real purpose is because of the harm done to women’s lives, families, and communities in the world we inhabit. And, like toxic waste, we must recognize it and name it to remove it and, reclaim and restore the beauty of the nature it destroyed.
To be sure, I, along with all those working to end men’s violence and oppression of women, remain steadfastly focused and invested in eliminating the harmful elements of patriarchy, but there is more to the story that we need to be telling our boys and nurturing them to transcend. More than naming the harm, we need to instill the belief that our boys are capable and worthy of excellence. We need to give them the detailed language and tools to incorporate into the hard work we require of them. We must be intentional and deliberate with how we inspire them to be aspirational about themselves.
Aspirational Masculinity
The process of teaching and instilling attention to detail and, the hard work that is required in sports and all other areas where excellence is a desired outcome must also be applied to how we consider what we want for boys and men. We don’t coach sports to “not lose” or win by a point – we coach excellence in the sport. Likewise, in the classroom we teach excellence in academic disciplines that inspires innovation and ingenuity – not the lack of failure or just a passing grade. In the arts, music and theater the human experience is most often aspirational, and that expression is rooted in the humble belief that we are all capable of and, most importantly, worthy of that to which we aspire.
Aspirational Masculinity is the philosophical approach to engaging men in a positive and deliberate examination of male identity and the relationships and behaviors of and between men. It is focused on fostering a broader understanding of being male that includes empathy, vulnerability, and emotional honesty around critical issues impacting relationships, sexual behavior, and personal growth.
“We must teach young people what they can become, not what they should avoid.” More than 30 years ago my mentor Warren Breining said this to me. That is the striving for excellence that undergirds what I want FOR boys and men; that they live their authentic and whole selves; capable and worthy.
Don McPherson is the author of You Throw Like a Girl: The Blind Spot of Masculinity, chronicling more than thirty-eight years, using sports to address social issues and focused on a quarter century of work on gender violence and aspirational masculinity. His programs have reached more than one million, throughout North America. A member of the College Football Hall of Fame, McPherson was a highly decorated All-American quarterback at Syracuse University
